Is It Me?! An Introduction to Attachment Styles in Dating and Relationships

Exploring attachment styles in therapy increases relationship quality and satisfaction

You would not be alone if you were experiencing frustration from dating in this day in age, as many people find themselves throwing their hands up after months, if not years, of trying different approaches and tactics, often wondering, “Is it me"?! It is important to note that dating apps like Bumble and Hinge not only operate on algorithms skewing your search results, but each individual can subconsciously be skewing the way they present themselves in their profile or waiver in their commitment level or consistency in communication. Despite endless possibilities contributing to each encounter while dating, there is one vital psychological tool that guarantees more successful outcomes in any relationship: attachment styles.   

Background of Attachment Theory

The exploration of attachment styles was first observed in the 1930’s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in their famed Strange Situation experiment with young children in their laboratory. The idea was to observe how the young child responded when their mother left the infant alone in the room briefly with a friendly stranger. Bowlby and Ainsworth observed three very distinct responses indicating the sense of attachment the child felt towards their primary caregiver. They were categorized into three main responses:

Secure Attachment: The infant was observant to their mother leaving, slightly concerned, but overall content. This indicated that the child had grown up with consistent care and the child was confident that their mother would return shortly.

        Anxious Attachment: The infant was very concerned when their mother left the room, began crying, and was only consoled once mother returned and soothed the baby. This indicated the child may have received inconsistent soothing, as the child could not predict when, or if, the mother might return to soothe them.

        Avoidant Attachment: The child was indifferent to mother leaving the room and was indifferent when she returned. This indicated perhaps more disorganized or inconsistent soothing from parents, as the child had learned not to rely on comfort from them during distress.

*Important Note: While the study exclusively used mothers in the study, this is not a reflection on poor parenting skills exclusively from the mother. Many clients who evidence Anxious or Avoidant attachment styles did not necessarily grow up with neglectful parents, and there are many other contributing factors to how attachment types present in adulthood.

Attachment Styles in Adulthood

            While it may be cliché that therapists are especially interested in a client’s childhood and family structure, it is a large area of exploration as those early relations and experiences largely create the ‘blueprint’ from which one emerges into the world and begins interacting with others. It is no surprise then, that attachment styles present in our relationships with others throughout development. Below are the four main attachment styles and how they may present in an individual:

Secure

·      Easily trusts others and are comfortable with intimacy

·      Handles conflict calmly

·      Able to identify their own emotions and the emotions of others

·      Feels both comfortable in relationships and on their own individually

·      Balanced sense of self and confidence

Anxious

·      Struggle with hypervigilance of something going wrong or being rejected

·      More easily activated emotional responses

·      Positive view of others, but lower perception of self

·      Difficulty receiving criticism

·      Place great efforts into relationships, often at their own expense

·      Fear of abandonment

 Avoidant

·      Downplay their emotions and the emotional needs of others

·      Highly independent and self-reliant

·      Fear vulnerability and intimacy

·      Difficulty seeking help or expressing emotional needs

·      Positive view of self, but more critical view of others

·      Maintain emotional distance

 Disorganized

·       Oscillate between Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles

·       Often from a traumatic or abusive background

·       Struggle with consistency of emotions or building trust in others

·       Perception is based in caregivers as source of fear, rather than care or connection

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Identifying one’s own attachment style, as well as their partner’s, can be a major resource in understanding how to navigate conflict more easily and strengthen communication. Identifying when and how we need reassurance can eliminate resentment building or unproductive strategies known as protest behaviors (hostility, passive aggression, stonewalling, attempting to make one’s partner jealous, demanding attentions, etc.). Conversely, one can also anticipate how our partner may need to be soothed.

Here is a common example with one partner who may lean Anxious in an overall Secure new relationship; if a Secure boyfriend is leaving town on a bachelor trip, they may anticipate their slightly Anxious girlfriend may ruminate and build anxiety during those days alone. Therefore, by checking in lightly through text throughout the weekend, the Anxious partner can anticipate what their partner is doing, rather than catastrophize and build hostility. A little bit of reassurance can go a long way to an Anxious Attachment and as trust and consistency builds in the relationship, they will seek less and less reassurance over time.

Attachment Styles in Dating

            Considering those with Secure attachment styles are more likely to be in committed relationships, the current dating pool is skewed more towards both Anxious and Avoidant attachment types. Entering the dating pool with personal self-awareness as well as an understanding of conflicting traits can help someone knowledgably filter through perspective partners. It is very common for an Anxious and an Avoidant duo to continually run into issues in their relationship without the awareness of attachment styles to more easily reconcile conflict. Without this understanding, an Avoidant partner will easily trigger an Anxious partner’s fear of rejection or abandonment through their emotional distance, lack of intimacy, and need for independence. As to be expected, the anxious partner’s need for connection and reassurance will then trigger the Avoidant’s fear of being emotionally smothered and lack of freewill. Without addressing the underlying contributing factors, an Anxious and Avoidant duo can become like opposing magnets.

Attachment Theory in Counseling

            I work with each individual to identify their attachment type and that of their partner’s if they are currently in a relationship or an ideal partner if they are seeking one. Understanding where the attachment type formed through early childhood experiences, previous relationships, negative self-beliefs, and social misconceptions of relationships is then explored in talk therapy and EMDR if applicable. It can be an enormous relief to integrate this knowledge when considering a date’s long-term potential and easily reconciling conflict with one’s partner!